CounselingBlog

The balanced life

So many people, myself included, seek to find "the balanced life."  I don't know how you define that, but in my mind, it is the fantasy that all m work will be caught up, house clean, laundry folded, and I have time to exercise, visit with friends and family, sleep enough, read good books, and play with my perfectly trained dogs.

The fact is, the desire for balance is a good one, but the distance between fantasy and reality can be great and the gap can be discouraging.

My hunch is that if we looked at all aspects of our lives, relationships, work life, exercise, play, spirituality, quiet time, you'll find the categories that you need - in terms of a big pie chart (LOL), we might begin to get closer to that balance we seek. 

As you plan your week, look at calendar, commitments, etc., start scheduling time for these pie chart areas that are overlooked.  Schedule a little time to play with the dogs, or take a walk with your spouse, or read a novel.  You won't be able to get to all the pie pieces every week - or at least I can't.  But if you look at longer blocks of time, say one month, you shold be able to devote some time to each imnportant area.
 

A balanced life might be our call to look at the bigger picture, not just this one day.  How are you going to change your schedule to bring more balance and better quality of life? 

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
www.counselingblog.com

Addiction

I just read an article by NY Times food writer, Mark Bittman. I love Mark Bittman, he focuses on simple, good food and his recipes are inviting. He also posts short cooking videos on the Times website that are instructive and often entertaining.

This morning, I read a piece he wrote about taking a break from electronics. A weekly sabbath from his computer, PDA, telephone, you name it. I found that I resonated with the article, and am also considering giving up my electronic friends one day a week, or at least trying it out.

As I typed that last sentence, my stomach clenched, and I caught myself holding my breath - ye gads, this is going to be a challenge.

"Hello, my name is Cynthia, and I am addicted to my technology..."

Here is the article, in case you want to read it.

I Need a Virtual Break, No Really

I would love to read your comments on this. I am off to see if my iPHone actually has an on/off switch.

Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
www.counselingblog.com

Reducing Holiday Stress - Slow Down

A friend, Karl, visited this week, to have lunch and help with a computer question. He is a young man, probably mid-20's, and very bright. He took care of the computer straightaway, and then we enjoyed a burger from PoPo's.

After lunch, we sat around and talked for about 3 hours. That isn't remarkable for many people, but it was a very big deal to me. Here is why:

1. I realized that I don't take the time to sit around and chat very often
2. I am not very good at sitting around and chatting, so I was stretching myself to singletask.
3. I was impressed that he was able and willing to spend time getting to know people he did not really know
4. He wasn't in a rush to get someplace else

It was a real treat - and a learning experience for me. One of my holiday goals is to be more present, more mindful, less frenetic.

I am actually closing my office for a week - actually more than a week - and I will have lots of time to practice being present, here, with my family and friends.

Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
CounselingBlog

24 Blogging Days

My friend, Dina Giolitto, decided to establish "24 blogging days 'till Christmas"
She sent out a note challenging anyone who wanted to - to write a blog post every day for 24 days.

I like a challenge, so I took her up on it.

Today's blog post has to do with Holiday Stress -

During the holidays - we have opportunities to get together with friends, eat special meals, and have ready access to rich foods and alcohol.

A little indulgence is fairly easy for your body to handle, but a lot of indulgence puts a strain on your body. You can help make the holidays (and 2008) happier by following these tips:
1. Drink more water
2. Continue with your exercise routine
3. Resign from the "clean plate club" Many times we feel we should eat all the food we are served, or that we serve ourselves. It can take practice to learn to take smaller portions, but you can begin by simply not finishing everything on your plate - I think that was an old weight watchers trick - practice leaving some food on your plate to break that habit

Here's to happier holidays

Cynthia

Holiday Stress

I have been a bit surprised at the number of references I am hearing to "getting ready for Thanksgiving." I hear it on the radio, in the media, even in my local coffee shop - there are references to the holidays. I am sitting in a Starbucks right now, and they have their "holiday specialty drinks" already - all the Christmas-y peppermint and eggnog drinks.

It might be that I live in a bit of a time warp, but all this seems a bit much. I am completely in favor of celebrating the holidays, but the commercialization seems to sweep us along and before we know it, we are worrying that Williams-Sonoma will run out of Mulling Spices and Chestnuts.

It wasn't long ago that we celebrated Singletasking Monday - remember that? Tim Sanders drew our attention to the multi-tasking we do that reduces our productivity and also keeps us from being really in the present. I think the barrage of holiday advertisements takes us out of the "now."

But where does it take us? I think, in part, the commercialization takes us into a sort of fantasyland of what holidays should be like (not that there's anything wrong with that). But the reality for many people is that holidays are sometimes stressful, financially challenging, and bring family dysfunction into clear view.

If we could be present, single-task, with our holidays we might enjoy them a bit more. Being present with the family gathered might be more important than whether or not the yeast rolls are homemade, or perfectly browned. If we could focus on what we want and need, and not look at what the commercial world wants us to "need" we'll be happier.

All this takes tuning into your own inner voice - and tuning out the loud voices of what others say is important.

What do you really want for the holidays? What is really important to you? How can your holidays be structured so that you and your loved ones have fun and feel cared for?

If you can start with that in mind, you will then be able to filter through the special offers and advertisements. You can still enjoy holiday shopping, cooking, gatherings, but having your own agenda instead of someone else's.

Does that mean you won't have stress? Nope. But, you'll have more clarity and hopefully interior space to handle the stress.

Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Clutter - Power Sessions - Book Recommendations

This is my latest newsletter - called The Occasional Newsletter. I have had a LOT of response to the information, so I wanted to provide it to my blog friends who might not be on the newlsetter mailing list.

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The Occasional Newsletter

Greetings,

Welcome to all the new subscribers!

I am doing some spring cleaning this week - summer cleaning actually. I have filled several garbage bags with things I no longer need or want. This type of cleaning-out gives me a sense of fresh, open space. It is almost as if the air is cleaner.

Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment. Experts in Feng Shui say that clutter takes energy away - clutter actually drains our energy. It certainly feels as if that is true. I think it is also true that clearing out clutter creates space for something new. Not necessarily more stuff, but space for creative energy and clarity of thought.

Look around your environment. Are there things that you could clear out, throw away, or pass on to a thrift shop? Are there books you no longer want that could go to the library or local book sale? In clearing out excess "stuff" what possibilities and ideas might fill the space you create?

Take care,
Cynthia

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New Power Sessions Available

Beginning in August, I am offering Power Sessions as an option for my clients.

Several of my clients have been requesting longer counseling sessions. Some clients are doing 2 or 3-hour sessions and I have had requests for half-day and full-day marathon work.

Why would anyone want 3-8 hours of therapy?
The longer time frame can allow us to work at a deeper level and cover more ground.

Couples frequently want and need to work for several hours at a time. This gives each partner a chance to be heard and also time for issues to be resolved in the session.

Why do most therapists only offer 50-minute sessions?
Insurance companies are at the root of the 50-minute session. Insurance companies typically pay for a 50-minute session, so that is what therapists offer. I have colleagues who offer 45-minute sessions.

The purpose of my counseling practice is to provide you with physical and emotional space to work through the issues that challenge you. I do not think it is right for insurance companies to dictate session length, so I will continue to tailor session structure to your needs.

So what session formats are available?
60-minute individual sessions
90-minute individual sessions
120-minute individual or couple sessions
3 or 4-hour session - individual or couple
8-hour full day sessions - individual or couple

I am also considering offering Couples Weekend Intensives - a retreat for two or three couples to include therapy and time for relaxation and reflection.

Let me know if Power Sessions interest you and we'll talk about how they might support our work together.

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Book Recommendations

At the RESToration Retreat, I had a lot of requests for book recommendations - here are some that you might be interested in - if you click on the title, it will take you to Amazon.com

Taming Your Gremlin: A surprisingly simple method for getting out of your own way

Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the life you were meant to live

The Joy Diet: 10 Daily Practices for a Happier Life

Exuberance: The passion for life

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed

A Survival Guide for Working with Humans: Dealing with whiners, back-stabbers, know-it-alls, and other difficult people

Happy Reading!

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com

Singletasking Monday is Here!

We lose quite a bit of productivity by multi-tasking, and the ripple effect of that lack of mindfulness can be felt in our relationships too. Have you ever wanted to talk to your partner but he was clued to the computer screen. He was giving you attention - sort of - but it did not feel like you were valued.

Have you ever been on the phone with someone who was obviously doing something else while you two talked? She was in the conversation, but not fully.

Tim Sanders has challenged us all to stop the insanity of multi-tasking and single-task today. Do one thing at a time and do it whole-heartedly.

Are you up for the challenge? I am frankly a bit daunted by it. I multi-task a lot and so I am going to have to be very intentional about how I work today.

My challenge is increased by the presence of my new iPhone - talk about the perfect toy - er-phone.. Today I will only use my iPhone when I am doing nothing else. Not while I am watching the news, not when I am cooking.

Also, like a lot of folks, I leave my email open all day - so I can check on messages as they arrive. However, today, I am going to close the email program and check the emaill when I have time to devote to it.

I feel a sense of excitement about singletasking. There is something deep within me that says "this is the way we should live"

Good luck to you!! Let me know how your day goes.
Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

Spend a day singletasking

I subscribe to several blogs - and one of my favorite blogs is called "Sanders Says."
It is written by Tim Sanders, who used to be a major creative force at Yahoo, and now tours the country helping people, especially business people, be better in work and in personal life. He is a very inspiring guy.

I want to send you two of Tim Sanders posts - one today, and another over the weekend. I hope you enjoy reading them. The first post is a call to mindfulness called "Spend a day Singletasking"

Here is to Singletaqsking Monday
Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Le Tour de France

I have been glued to the TV for the last three weeks, enjoying the Tour de France. There have been numerous reports about the doping scandals, etc., and I don't want to give that any more attention than it already has, so I am not going to comment much on it. It hurts the sport terribly when people cheat - but it hurts us all when people cheat. I think we all lose a little bit of heart when "playing by the rules" is no longer honored and "whatever it takes to win" becomes the secret mantra of a few athletes.

One thing I love about le Tour is that it is so inspiring. I love the heroic story of an unknown 24-year-old winning the Tour. Alberto Contador has a bright future ahead of him and I expect we'll be seeing him on the podium many times in the years to come.

I love the excitement of 31 seconds separating the first place rider and the third place rider. Think about it - they ride about 2200 miles in the 21-day race and the top three competitors finished only half a minute apart. That boggles my mind.

I take great inspiration from the Tour. I admire the athletic ability, determination, and strategic skill it takes to win a stage. It encourages me to try to do my best at everything - a boost that I appreciate in the middle of summer.

I love the pluck of the French rider who won a sprint yesterday - sneaking up behind two QuickStep riders to grab some points and some money. Not only was it fun to see him coming from behind, it was admirable that the QuickStep riders let him have that small vicotry without a fight - it seemed honorable.

I could go on and on - I think this is a great sport. I will greatly miss seeing the Tour this week, and anxiously await next July.

To the athletes and coaches - thank you for a wonderful ride in 2007!
Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseing.com
CounselingBlog

Pursue the Passion - eBook

I asked Brett Farmiloe to let me know when his new, FREE, eBook was released. Well, it is out and ready for you to download. Here is the blurb Brett sent me for my ezine, The Occasional Newsletter.

"Four recent college grads are undertaking a project this summer entitled Pursue the Passion, where they are embarking on a 14,000 mile journey in a gigantic 30 foot tour bus to interview 200 professionals who are passionate about their work.

They want the tour and the material they gather to inspire, guide, and support other aspiring individuals that are seeking to find their passion in a career.

The 90-day Pursue the Passion tour launches from Phoenix July 2nd, and will be going through Texas October 5th-10th. You can learn more about the project or sign up for an interview at www.pursuethepassion.com "

Brett Farmiloe, the founding member of Pursue the Passion, has just issued a free e-book about last year's journey. Here is the link, Pursue the Passion - eBook

Do check out the eBook - it took a while to download onto my computer - don't despair, it is worth the wait.

So - what are YOU passionate about?
I would love to hear from you - just click the "comments" button below and let us all know.

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna Counseling
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Boundaries

I met a fellow therapist through a forum on a directory that my practice is listed on.  She wrote a very interesting blog post today about our electronic connections.

Part of what Nancy Quay says is that the instant connection, whether IM or email, or whatever, makes it more difficult for us to keep clear boundaries with each other.

Boundaries, in case you wonder, are the spaces between people - emotional or physical space - that says, "this is me/mine" and "that is you or yours"

Take a look and see if her comments stir anything in you.
Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Do You Know About Web Content Awareness Day?

Don't Miss Web Content Awareness Day 2007: An Information Celebration Right in Your Email Inbox. Get instant access to trusted service providers, advice from top web marketing experts, great offers and more. Runs Jan 9 to Feb 9 - Learn more/sign up at http://WebContentAwarenessDay.com today.

WCAD is brought to you by Dina Giolittlo - a great copywriter and marketing advisor.  You can learn more of her services at Wordfeeder

Cynthia

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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC

Creating Healthy Relationships

www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

CounselingBlog

Authenticity and Vulnerability

The following blog post was in my inbox this week - It is a thoughtful piece and I hope you all find some value in it as well.   With Andrea's Permission, it is reprinted in full:

Authenticity Eye-to-Eye | Do You Get Self-Conscious or Fear the Limelight? Do Your Clients?

Jan  4, 07 07:03 PM | Posted by Andrea

"I don't want to be known."

The obstacle many business owners face is this fear of being known, don't you think? And alongside this is its corollary - the fear of not being seen, being invisible and misunderstood. Alas, it's quite the quandary. So what's a coach to do, for a fearful client of this kind, or indeed for themselves?

The below article "The Roots of Self-Consciousness" may be a beginning. It highlights a story from Jane Fonda, and goes on to provide a simple exercise to test the depth of your Authenticity.

Reprinted with thanks to author Lee Glickstein, Founder and President of the powerfully supportive Speaking Circles International which I've found very reliable as a referral to coaching clients seeking personal power from the stage. 

Worth reading especially at the Speaking Circles website is Lee's personal story of his first public speaking experience - truly horrifying. Almost as remarkable as the depth of his authenticity now.

----begin article----

A passage from Jane Fonda's autobiography pinpoints the root of self-consciousness. She writes about her first child at 9 months:

It is late at night; I can't get Vanessa to sleep; I am despondent. I am lying on my back on the floor, with Vanessa lying on my chest.

She lifts her head and looks straight into my eyes for what seems like an eternity. I feel she is looking into my soul, that she knows me, that she is my conscience. I get scared and have to look away. I don't want to be known.

This rings like a common recurring scenario for those of us who grew up with self-consciousness. Some of us had the other extreme: our gaze was returned aggressively. Likely we had some of both.

Imagine reliving such a scene over and over again until the pain of not being met (or having our eye space invaded to meet the need of another) brings us to a hiding place deep behind our eyes.

Whether survival depended on shying away from attention or performing to meet expectations, our automatic behavior mechanisms kick in most extremely when all eyes are on us. As a result, some are too terrified to cope at all in front of groups, while others have developed a passable act, even a great act.

Though coming from different directions, neither state allows authentic presence or expansive expression, so the way back to ourselves is fundamentally the same.

To gauge the nature and extent of your authenticity challenge, go to a mirror and simply meet your eyes for a minute. Just breathe and be with yourself. Do you need to smile? Wink? Grimace? Look away?

Are you judgmental? Are you counting the seconds for the time to end?

If doing this exercise in absolute peace with yourself is a challenge, you are not alone, and real authenticity with groups is not possible until you can be at ease with yourself.

If you take at least a minute each day to explore this exercise, and stay with it, you will eventually access self-ease.

The next step is to allow words to arise and be spoken into your eyes in the mirror without compromising the ease.

Then, do the silent gaze with a partner, followed by one minute turns as you allow words to arise easily with your partner.

This path of Relational Presence--whether practiced in the free home study program or accelerated in professionally facilitated Speaking Circles, is all about naturally reversing our earliest experiences of not being met and honored eye to eye.

The good news is that it's all we need to get the ball rolling toward accessing our inherent ease and power with groups and in the world.

----end article----

How authentic are you? Do you change 'selves' when different people are looking? 

What tools or exercises do you use to excavate the real you, or 'get naked' with your clients?

# # #

Andrea J. Lee is an award-winning author, entrepreneur, mentor, coach and consultant to business owners on five continents.

A thought-leader in the field of personal and business coaching, she builds and manages among the most innovative coach training organizations in the world and specializes in consulting to helping businesses.
               
Now CEO of the Andrea J. Lee Group of Companies, she consults, holds teleseminars, coaches, writes, speaks and develops advanced marketing, internet and business systems for coaches. 

Want to know more about Andrea Lee? 

As always, your comments are most welcome!
Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Tired of Resolutions that Fail? Tips for New Year’s Resolution Success

Many people make New Year’s resolutions, but find that they have a hard time keeping them. Is there a better way to make resolutions? Experts say yes. 

Each New Year, Cynthia McKenna, therapist and owner of Cynthia McKenna Counseling and Life Coaching at http://www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com , helps individuals and couples make resolutions that they can keep by taking a holistic approach to resolution making.

According to McKenna, “Many people focus on what is “wrong” in their lives. This kind of resolution-making is loaded with guilt, because if you don’t achieve what you set out to do, you can feel a sense of failure.”

McKenna encourages her clients to look at resolutions in terms of living a more balanced life, and then ask themselves what changes will make that happen. “Instead of simply focusing on getting up early to exercise or losing those 15 pounds, take this opportunity to think about the life you would like to have, and then, take steps to begin to live that life.”

McKenna suggests looking at your life in broad categories such as: Physical Environment, Career, Money, Health, Relationships, Personal Growth, Fun and Recreation, Emotional Balance. These are aspects that contribute to an overall sense of well-being and also can influence emotional and physical health. 

“Now you have your categories,” McKenna continues, “What can you do in each area to make your life better? What qualities of a full and meaningful life do you want to include in your list? This list can include things you might not be doing yet, but that you value and want to work toward.”

Taking that goal of losing 15 pounds, your list might look like this:

Physical environment

• I keep healthful foods in the house
• I allow myself an occasional treat
• I subscribe to a health magazine

Health

• My weight is within a healthy range
• My blood pressure is lower
• I drink plenty of water to keep my body healthy

Fun & Recreation

• I use my iPod during workouts
• I invite friends to go walking with me
• I play outside with my kids

McKenna continues, “You have just taken your goal of losing 15 lbs and made it concrete. You have actions that you can see and measure. And, you are working on your goal from a variety of perspectives, rather than just focusing on the number on the scale. In starting with the big picture, you gain a vision of where you want your life to be and what steps you can take in order to make that happen. You now have some concrete feedback on what you can do to improve your life. As you begin to make changes, you will know that you are working toward your goal,”

Resolutions don’t have to fail. Making small changes in a variety of areas will increase your chances for success. If you would like to obtain information about creating a balanced life, visit: http://www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com or contact Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC at: cm@cynthiamckennacounseling.com

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Taking the Plunge

I love the following post from Ann Zuccardy - Ann talks about the process of deciding to leave a salaried job to pursue her solopreneurship at Vermont Shortbread

Read:  An Entrepreneur on the Brink

My reflection on this, from my own recent experience, is that Ann will know when it is time to give her notice.   

My own process was very conflicted, "Should I stay or should I go?" (with a tip of the hat to The Clash.)
but when the time came, I knew it, and knew it at a very deep level. 

I think, when we are tuned in to our intuition and can give ourselves the space to be quiet and listen, we can hear our own wisdom, our own needs, and take council from our own insights.

Good luck to you Ann, and to each of us, as we try to make the very best decisions for ourselves and our families.
Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

More Musings on Martha Stewartish Holidays

My friend, Debbie Gaskins of Thomasville, GA, sent the following thoughts about holiday pressures...

I think you are right - people (myself included) had become so concerned with the perceived expectation that they have the "perfect" Christmas --decorations, meals, parties -- that they were losing the sense of Christ mas.   

 

We are striving for a more peaceful Christmas, one in which we recognize what our priorities should be and (hopefully!) are.  We are not even putting up all of our decorations any longer.  We do a lovely tree with ornaments collected for the past 30 years, not color coordinated, just an eclectic, warm tree, filled with memories.  Each ornament brings back memories as we hang them, and as we take them down I cannot help but reflect and wonder what will happen in the coming year before I see them again.    

 

We have not had the issue of grumpiness and mood swings (thank goodness!), but we are striving to keep it simple and remember and be grateful for what we have, not for what we want. 

I love that last line, "we are striving to keep it simple, and remember, and be grateful for what we have, not for what we want"

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
CounselingBlog

More on Martha Stewart

I had great response to my musings on Martha Stewartish holidays.  Expectations and assumptions can cause grief in any situation, but things seem  particularly heightened this time of year. 

I talked - okay emailed - with some friends about holiday stress and perfectionism, here is a reflections from my friend, Dr. Deah Curry:

"Trying to live up to any glitzy ideal when that's not who we naturally are sets us up for disappointment, discouragement, and frustration, and risks turning the season's sugarplum dreams into perfect little nightmares," says Kirkland, Washington therapeutic coach Deah Curry, PhD. "When unrealistic ideals control our efforts and stress us out, we end up dreading or avoiding family interactions long after the holidays are over," Curry explains.

Now that we are past Thanksgiving and heading toward Christmas - I wonder how you all are doing with the holiday stress.  As I write "Christmas" I am well aware that all of us are not Christian, nor do we all celebrate Christmas.  However, I am being bombarded by the "buy, buy, buy!" mantra of retailers, and their point is, "give lavish gifts this Christmas."

Feel free to post a comment below or send me an email - I'll post your feedback over the next week.

Take care,
Cynthia
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Creating Healthy Relationships

www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Get Motivated Now

The dogs are itchy and woke me up at around 4:00 this morning - scratching away.  When I put them out, I recognized that my brain was in-gear and I was not going back to sleep.

I have spent the last two hours catching up on some reading and pondering my day.

My counseling practice is going well, and I have had a busy week.  I have plenty of little tasks on my desk that need some attention before I head back to work tomorrow.

The tomatoes and the water garden are also in need of some TLC.  Then, of course, the dogs need baths (anyone want to come wash three 70 lb. Labradors?)

I write all this because there is a gap between what I need to do and what I want to do. 

I want to go to breakfast and then plop in front of FoodTV for the rest of the morning.

It isn't a bad plan - given that I have been busy....  no, wait, I am rationalizing.

The space between working on my business and tending my spirit is an important one.  Sometimes, those two overlap - that is a very productive time.  Today, they are not intersecting, so I am going to compromise.  I will work diligently this morning, and take the afternoon and evening off.

or,

I will work somewhat diligently with frequent breaks to see what's cooking on FoodTV.

or,

I'll go get another cup of coffee and watch the sunrise.  Mmmmm.  That is first on my "to do" list.

So, dear readers, what do you do when there is a gap between what you need to do and what you want to do? 

I would love to have your feedback.  Post a comment below, or drop me an email.

Happy Sunday,
Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Creating Healthy Relationships
www.cynthiamckenna.com

www.counseling.typepad.com

Self-Confidence for Entrepreneurs

Entrepreneurs face a lot of challenges. 

Here is a great blog entry from Donna Gunter, Online Business Resource Queen.  It is a short article about believing in yourself and NOT paying attention to the gremlins that tell us that we can't succeed.

The "Fraud Factor"

Take care,
Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
Creating Healthy Relationships
www.cynthiamckenna.com
www.counseling.typepad.com
210 557-1715

Divorce & Girl's Test Scores

Marriage - Good.

Divorce - Bad.

Not necessarily...

"A clean break from a bad marriage is actually better for the couple’s school-age daughters than a troubled union, a new University of Florida study finds."

Read more...
University of Florida News

Do you agree with this study?  Should parents divorce when they aren't getting along, or should they stay together "for the kids?"
Leave your comment below, or email me.

I would love to know what you think.

Cynthia
*************
Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
Sign up for my free e-newsletter
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
www.counseling.typepad.com

Defining Moments

Every relationship has a moment, or many moments, that may define the couple's future.

Critical moments, handled well, can bring you both together. 

Critical moments, handled poorly, can be the beginnings of the end.

These moments might be an affair, a lie, a family member's illness or death.  Changing jobs (voluntarily or not) endings and beginnings of all sorts.

When you two coome to one of these critical times, make an effort to talk about how you feel, what you experience, what you fear.  This open communication can be the factor for that decides what will happen next.

Can everything be resolved with conversation?

Perhaps the question should be, "Can anything be resolved without it?

Cynthia McKenna
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www.cynthiamckenna.com
don't forget to sign up for my free e-newsletter

From Tom Peters...

100 Ways to Succeed-  #6

"Consider this a variation on a debate in the Tom Peters weblog over the number of priorities a person can have.  Well, I 'm settling it.

One!

Here's the deal.  It's 5 a.m. (09.28.2004) as I write. I have a day crammed full of miscellaneous (that dreaded word!) activities ahead, ending with a flight from Boston to London.  But the ... THE...Pressing Question is:  What Will (in one sentence) THE LEGACY OF THIS DAY HAVE BEEN FOR TP?

Yes, I believe a Single Day can have as much of a "legacy" as a lifetime.  In fact, that had better be the case!  Why?  Because the day ... stretching out before me ... filled (at the moment) with limitless opportunities ...is...ALL I HAVE!

RIGHT?

JUST ANOTHER DAY?

HARDLY!

THIS IS IT!

All those things ... grand and numdane ... I want to do with my life will either be abetted or thwarted or put off or ignored int he course of ...THIS ONE, UNFURLING DAY.

So:  What (One Sentence) will Today's Legacy be ... for You?"

 

*************

Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC

www.cynthiamckenna.com

www.counseling.typepad.com

 

Help! Money Problems!

Credit card debt - yuck.

I have had a lot of it, and paid it off, and now have some debt again.  Working for a non-profit has not left a whole lotta money for paying off the balances, and though I am lucky enough to have low interest rates - they still accrue interest.

I was having dinner with friends recently, and they suggested I do a "debt snowball."  I like snow and haven't been able to make a snowball since I left Tulsa four years ago - so I asked my friend to explain. 

He told me about this money guy, Dave Ramsey, who has a plan to get out of debt.  The idea is to pay your very smallest debt first - disregardiing the interest rate - pay off the small debt.  Then, use that same payment money to add to your payment for the next smallest debt, etc.  Focusing your energy on one debt, and getting that debt out of the way, causes a "snowball" effect on your bills - they get paid off more quickly and overall, you end up paying less in interest.

I really had to think about this idea - for a long time.  It almost seems counter-intuitive, until you start doing it.  But when you watch that first bill go down to zero, you get encouraged.  And, if you buy his books or see the DVD's, you start to feel more powerful with money, and less manipulated by the credit card companies.

I am trying this debt snowball - and I'll let you know how it goes.  So far, listening to the CD's on debt, and saving have helped me change my habits.

There is a lot more to Dave's plan, getting an emergency fund established, setting a budget, paying everything with cash or debit card - but the snowball is a great place to begin.

If you are interested, check out his website or listen to him on radio or podcast.

Happy Monday,
Cynthia
*************
Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Counseling & LIfe Coaching
www.cynthiamckenna.com
CounselingBlog

Encouragement

"Good job!"

"Well done."

When was the last time you said something encouraging to your partner? 

We adults are generally pretty good about speaking up when our kids do something special.  We are even good at telling our dogs that they are being pleasant.

Why is it, I wonder, that we forget to tell our spouse that we are proud of them.  We can admire their work ethic,  their willingness to take on new challenges, or simply that he or she did a fantastic job on the lawn.

Everyone appreciates a "pat on the back" occasionally.  I wonder how the environment in our homes would change if we practiced giving encouragement to each other.

It takes such a small effort, and it can feel so very good.
Cynthia
*************
www.cynthiamckenna.com
www.counseling.typepad.com

Stress Management - 10 ways to reduce your stress

This week I had the opportunity to briefly address the Boerne Chamber of Commerce and tell them about my work.  It was a great morning, and everyone was in high spirits.  I had fun.  I love what I do, and it really is an honor to get to share some of that with them.

I also gave them a handout about handling stress.  Since last week's post regarding "signs of stress" had such good response, I thought I would post some ways to manage stress.  Feel free to reprint this list, just be sure to include my contact information.

10 Ways to Reduce Your Stress

1. Learn to say "no"
2. Reduce your responsibilities
3. Work toward having realistic expectations for yourself and others
4. Organize your time - leave earlier so you don't have to rush, schedule extra time between appointments so you have some flexibility
5. Keep "to do" lists and update them regularly
6. Talk with your friends and family about your efforts to get your stress under control
7. Cut back or eliminate these stressors:  coffee, alcohol, fast food, tobacco
8. Take mini-breaks during the day.  Step outside for fresh air, read a favorite book, have a cup of tea...  Even small changes can help you reduce your stress
9. When stressful situations arise, pause for a moment to visualize how you will handle them
10. Pay attention to your self-talk.  Be sure you are saying encouraging things rather than putting yourself down.

This list is just the beginning.  As you pay attention to your stress levels and responses, you will discover many more ways to handle the stressors that come your way.  The idea is not to feel trapped in the face of stress, but rather to become more flexible in handling life's demands.

Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
Creating Peace
www.cynthiamckennacounseling.com
Counseling Blog 

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Signs of Stress

I recently read that up to 90% of all illness is stress related.  That amazes me. And, at the same time, it doesn't.  Stress is a part of our lives, some stress is helpful, some is not so helpful. 

Are you worried that you are over-stressed?  Here are some signs to watch for:

Common physical signs of stress:

• Increase in blood pressure
• Tension in your muscles
• Migraine headaches
• Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• Pain in your back, neck or shoulders
• Feeling tired
• Stomach problems, cramping, heartburn, etc.
• Weight loss or gain
• Hair loss

Emotional signs of stress

• Feeling anxious
• Trouble concentrating
• Increased irritability
• Increased moodiness
• Feeling out of control
• Feeling depressed
• Feeling angry

If you feel over-stressed, you  probably are.  If you are experiencing many of these symptoms of stress, it is a good idea to re-think the way you are doing things.  If the pressure is high and something has got to give, what will you choose to change? 

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Cynthia
*************
Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
Counseling Blog
www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com

After The Rain

Just now, I was finishing a long post about our drought and this morning's lovely rain.  It was a great post - I had fun writing it.  But somehow, in the spell-checking, HTML playing, that I do before I post...I erased it all.  So, I am laughing at myself, and have decided not to try to recreate it.

One of the intersting things that happened with this gigantic rain was that our power went out.  Now, that is not always interesting, but I was enthralled with the silence.  No fans turnin overhead, no lovely pond trickling in my front room, no hum of refrigerator, no whirr of air conditioner.

The only sounds were the rain and the very soft sound of Labrador paws on the saltillo tile.  It was a calming thing, to not have electricity.  That calming reminded me how busy and noisy life has become.  In opening this wonderful counseling business, I have become stretched thin at times, my stress levels are high, and I am busy. 

In this busyness, there isn't much quiet.  And, I need quiet...lots of it. It was a great blessing to be quiet this morning. 

The electricity ultimately returned after about six hours, just in time for my first client of the day.  That meant that we could have our session with a little air conditioning. 

So we had comfort, and the silence of the morning slipped away. 

But the memory of quiet and my own yearning for stillness did not leave, and I am resolved to cultivate the quiet and stillness. 

You, who are self-employed entrepreneurial types, are you able to cultivate stillness in your life?  Do you have quiet and calm, even silence?  I would love to hear about it if you do.  If you don't, how are you handling that? 

Send me an email, I would really love to hear your reflections on this oh-so-delicate balancing act of inner peace and outer success. cm@cynthiamckennacounseling.com

Cynthia

*************
Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC
Counseling & Life Coaching
www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com
210 557-1715

Are you having a spat?

I suspect most folks do not like to argue.  I know, some people are really good at it, and some people seem to enjoy conflict.  But the vast majority of us would rather not fight with the ones we love.

I am the type of person who wants to stick with a fight/argument/disagreement (pick your favorite term) until it is settled.  I think if I keep after it, my logic and desires will surely prevail.

So I was very interested to learn about some research on arguing from  The Gottman Institute   In case you don't know the Institute, or its founder John Gottman, it is a research center in Seattle.  They have an apartment set up with microphones and cameras, and couples go stay for the weekend.  While they are there, their actions and interactions are recorded, then studied. 

When people argue, they get anxious or upset, and  their heart rate increases.  The Gottman researchers found that if your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you cannot think flexibly, negotiate, or solve problems very well.  So they suggest that couples take a break from each other and the issue - say 15 minutes or so - and come back together at a designated time to resolve the issue.  This break allows the heart rate to go down, the mind clears a bit, and makes resolving problems easier.  Couples that practice this "time out" technique have more successful problem resolutions.

So... folks like me who want to stick with the disagreement until it is worked out are actually being counter productive.  We need to step away, take a walk, water the plants, do the dishes, whatever works.  Then, at an agreed time, come back together to work on the problem.

In my work with couples, I often talk with them about taking a break during an argument, and it does seem to make a difference.  If you try this, I would love to know how it works for you.  You can leave me a comment on this post, or contact me through my website www.CynthiaMcKennaCounseling.com  or drop me an email:  Email Cynthia McKenna

Business Coaching

I love reading Tom Peters' Blog - his insight has helped me and I try to pass on his ideas and knowledge to my coaching clients.  Tom Peters offers a lot of free information on his website - really useful downloads that can help give you a nudge when you need one.  I love his 100 Ways to Succeed/Make Money  There are actually only 50 tips on this free download, and you can read it in one or two sittings.  It is part excellence coaching and part good business sense. I think these 100 Ways are helpful for folks who are not running a business - there is good wisdome to glean here.

I hope you check it out.