Emotional Honesty

I am preparing a workshop for the spring - on surviving an affair.

As I ponder the many ways a couple can find themselves facing infidelity, my mind keeps coming back to the idea of emotional honesty.

When one partner starts getting his/her needs met outside the primary relationship, it is a clue that something isn't working in that primary relationship. Something needs to be addressed, and remains unspoken, something shifts, but no one brings it up.

I think many couples avoid saying the hard things like, "You seem distant - what are you feeling?" or even harder, "I am not feeling close to you right now, and I don't know what to do."

Neither partner says anything, in hopes the problem will go away.  No one says anything because they don't want to start an argument.
No one says anything because they aren't sure what to do.

The thing is, if couples can get on the same side, and face problems together, the problems can be solved, dealt with, or disarmed. 

In some relationships, couples avoid the problem long enough to put their relationship in crisis.

As I work this afternoon, I am wishing that each of us find a place of emotional safety, a place where we can be honest with ourselves and our partners. 
The sooner we can establish this "safety zone" the sooner we can begin solving problems.

Cynthia
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Cynthia McKenna, LPC, NCC
Creating Healthy Relationships
www.cynthiamckenna.com
www.counseling.typepad.com

Comments

[Dina]

Aww... Cynthia, I think this is the first time I've witnessed a counseling/therapy related professional assert genuine feeling into a psychological discussion. It's a beautiful thing to see.

Thanks for never sending me the link to your blog! :) Glad I found this.

Dina

[Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC]

I was actually a caller on The Satellite Sisters show on XM radio last week. There was a report in Wall Street Journal (?) stating that couples should tell their partners that they were thinking about having an affair.

The Sisters had a difficult time with this - because they thought it would be hurtful.

I asked them to compare the pain of, "I am thinking of having an affair" vs. "I have had an affair."

Both are difficult, but the first asks for intimacy in the primary relationship - in the second statement - the damage is done.

Robbie, you raise an important issue - listening to that "inner voice" that says something is wrong; and trying to figure out how to handle the consequences of confronting your spouse.

There is no one right answer, unfortunately. Each relationship is different and people deal with infidelity in very divergent ways.

Best of luck to you.

Cynthia McKenna
www.cynthiamckenna.com